It was an excellent evening. The only problem happened when you went to make the bed the next morning. Evidence of your enjoyable dalliance is all over the sheets. Stains from sex are the worst. They wreck your linens and your day. If you’re not careful, they can do more damage than that.
Whether you’re trying to sell the house before you move out or avoid the disappointed looks from your mother-in-law when she stops by and insists on helping to tidy up, stained sheets don’t look good. At best they make you look low-class, but at worst they can cause problems that affect you beyond some embarrassment.
Spot The Stain
Even when you clean the best you can, stains from man juice are easy to find with the right (cheap) equipment. All you need is a pocket blue UV light or a portable blacklight to show off body fluid stains. Sadly, urine and bleach also show up in this light, and it can be hard to tell which is which. Though, to be fair, most adults don’t pee the bed.
Fix It Before They See it
Not making a mess is the easiest solution; however, if you do, try and remember to stop and clean up right away. It might not fool a UV light and a trained professional, but you can cover your tracks.
It’s Not What You Think
A man’s load aren’t made up of some magic brew of micro-swimmers. In fact, most of a come stain isn’t sperm at all. About one percent is the sperm. The rest is a small number of vitamins and minerals, fructose, and fatty acids, plus around two-hundred kinds of protein.
Knowing this tells you that you need to treat a protein stain. Dr. Laundry, the Clorox cleaning expert, suggests that you use a urine stain remover to treat this type of mess. Additionally, you want hot water for most sex stains. The only exception is blood, which needs cold water, but that’s getting away from the point.
Issues With Lubrication
Whenever possible, stick to water or oil-based lube. Washing these out is much easier than silicone based lubricants. To remove a stain that includes a silicone lube, first, use a general spot treatment on dry fabric. Next, you want an enzyme detergent. In an emergency, you can substitute dish detergent. ALways make sure you clean up lube stains soon after they happen or they could be permanent.
Perfect Fitted Sheets
You’re probably still wondering what color to pick. So without further ado, the answer is none of them. I’m not suggesting that you should take the sheets off the bed. A stained mattress isn’t the answer either. There is simply no single color that hides a stain well.
Dark colors end up with vivid spots. Paler shades may take a moment or two longer to notice, but the mess is decidedly right there plain as day. So then, there’s only one remaining solution. You need patterned sheets.
Big & Small
Unfortunately, you can’t just grab the first pattern you like. Finding a good design that convinces the eye to pass a come spot without pause is a delicate matter. There are some rules of thumb.
- Too Much Color is Bad- Let’s say you choose a fantastic pattern in green and red. That festive color combo is going to have a blue Christmas when white stains show up on those colors.
- Never Use Silk Sheets- They may be beautiful and feel great, but water is enough to stain silk. You can imagine what other fluids do.
- Avoid Open Spaces- Any sheets with a tiny repeating shape on a solid background will act like a plain sheet when it comes to showing off stains.
- Use Pastels- Choose a busy pattern in pastels. Go for, something where space is filled with details that don’t repeat too often in the same square foot, like a more modern floral or a paisley print. If it doesn’t have white or creme colored spaces, it’s probably not going to work out.
- Pick Stain Resistant Fabric- Cotton, jersey, polyester, and flannel are all outstanding choices. They are soft, durable, and easy to clean.
Top 5 Best Sheets to Hide Sperm Stains
Once you’ve decided to move on from your cheating ex, the last thing you want your new lover to see is the mess you made with the last one. Surprisingly, choosing your sheets can be a chancy thing.
Fortunately, there’s a solution. Skip right past the rows of dull monotone sheets at the local big box store. This carefully chosen list has a style for everyone. No matter your taste, you can have sheets that make you look good, even when you haven’t been.
1. Mellanni Microfiber Paisley
If you ever wondered why paisley was invented, I don’t know. What I can tell you about this more than 200-year-old pattern is that it distracts the eye beautifully. Incidentally, the pattern may have its roots in the distant past and could represent a Zoroastrian symbol for life and eternity. That explains it’s widespread popularity during the 70s ‘free love’ era.
The Mellanni paisley sheets have a lovely and more toned down appearance. Shades of pale blue and green mesh well with the white areas to create pleasant visual chaos. One look and you’ll see how these dynamic polyester sheets can help keep your business private.
Pick paisley here.
2. Blue Floral Microfiber
Microfiber is easier to clean, plus it doesn’t produce the same micro-debris as other fabrics that shed more easily. Should you decide that you want a more traditionally feminine sheet set, something like the Blue Floral Microfiber is a great choice.
Have Some Standards
Each set of these fantastic flowered sheets are made in an OEKO-TEX Standard 100 factory. They have an independent certification in place to help maintain excellent safety and environmental standards. Additionally, these sheets are extra cool and breathable for the summer months.
Chill out in these classy florals here.
3. Lauren, Watercolor Abstract Floral
Looking for an upgrade? Lauren’s Watercolor Abstract Floral by Ralph Lauren is a beautiful stain diminishing pattern. Much like the previous floral, this one is a little bit fast and loose with the light colors and seemingly random white spaces.
By Any Other Name
Ralph Lauren is known for its luxury items and higher-end clothing. The Lauren home decor line is much the same. Many of the latest patterns they offer are both on trend and come stain friendly. Perhaps that’s why they’re so popular. If their sheets are half as durable as their polo shirts, then you’ll have these for years, and maybe even through multiple relationships.
Choose a classy come stain hider here.
4. Weavely Sheet Set in Brown & White
However, you like your sex; the mess can be a challenge. Kill more birds with the same stone when you pick this unusual Weavely set. Shades of brown, tan and while mix together in an irregular pattern that seems ideal for hiding your business from the world without asking any questions.
These deep-pocket fitted sheets are 100% cotton. Effectively, this means you won’t have any trouble cleaning up when you’re done. First, wash them in cold water. Then you can dry them on low heat and replace them on the bed. In an hour, it will be like you were never there at all. Plus, since cotton is a renewable and abundant resource, you can feel good about your purchase.
Look into getting yours here.
5. Realtree All Purpose Sheet Set
Do you need something more rugged and natural for your decor? When flowers and paisley just won’t cut it, you can tuck yourself and your lover away in these forest print sheets. Whether you love nature, or just need sheets that you could hide a whole deer in if you needed it, these will work out great. Also, you may want a set of these for any teen boys in the house as well.
An Exception to Every Rule
These cool outdoorsy sheets have much more dark color on them than you might expect, but they are broken up with spots of truly random lighter material. Interestingly, the pattern is designed to allow things to blend in. It’s a sort of camouflage. If anything can hide your mess, it’s nature camo.
Go wild in these sheets when you get them here.
Runner Up- Pinzon Flannel Floral Sage
Though they didn’t quite make the cut, these Pinzon Floral sheets in sage and white feature pretty, more classical looking sprays of blooms on them. The pattern is one of pale grey-green broken by what at first appear to be white splotches. Consequently, a solution like this is ideal for hiding sperm stains.
Plus these sheets are double-knapped flannel. They’re soft and comfy, with lovely breathable fabric. You’ll love the feel, and stay warmer than a thin cotton sheet. Choose these for autumn and winter months, or early spring.
See them for yourself right here.
Be mindful of what type of sex you plan to have because there are more than one type and color of stain that can happen in the course of a good horizontal limbo. Regardless of what you choose, always remember that darkly colored sheets are the worst. White sperm-stains show up exceptionally well on the contrasting background.
Likewise, avoid geometric patterns. Unfortunately, it’s relatively easy to spot anything that breaks up the monotony of those patterns. The eye will be drawn straight to the difference immediately. Choose your sheet pattern wisely, and it will go a long way toward keeping your privacy.