You’re feeling hurt and angry because your spouse cheated. That’s perfectly normal and even healthy. Wanting to make them feel bad, or worse about what they did is also standard. However, you have to be willing to spend the time and energy on a cheater to make that happen. Although you might be better off doing good for yourself, I can certainly understand the need for some well-deserved revenge. I’ll walk you through the exact steps to take to make your cheater see the error of their ways.
How To Make Cheaters Feel Guilty
This step by step guide to guilt creating will have your cheating spouse sleepless and sorrowful in no time. Anyone with a heart should feel some remorse after wrongdoing. You can help that process along with the right words and actions.
- Cut communications short. Answer with yes, or no, even if you live together. Unless you have to discuss something like child custody, don’t have a conversation.
- Don’t take their calls or texts. Plus, you should not initiate contact, including email. However, urgent your cheater thinks their words are, even an apology is hardly worth noting.
- Ignore them when you’re together. The cold shoulder is a time-honored expression of anger and distaste. If you work together or have another regular contact, pretend they don’t exist. Let your eyes slide right off them and walk past only if you must, without so much as a look their way.
- Do not justify yourself to them. This includes when your spouse asks what’s wrong. A cheater knows what’s wrong. You don’t owe them a conversation about it.
- Show them that you don’t need them, but don’t say it. Be independent, and do things you’d typically do together for yourself.
- If you do text, use the guilt-text format (detailed below).
- Throw out any presents they bring, not secretly, but openly in front of them. Otherwise, tell them about it when they ask how you liked the gift. Yet keep it short. “Did you like the flowers I sent?” “No, I sent the delivery boy to drop them in the dumpster. I have to go, things to do, places to be.” Click.
- Treat yourself. Do the things you want, when you want to do them.
- Dress up the way that makes you feel good, not for your cheating partner, but yourself. Still, it doesn’t hurt if they see you that way, all the time.
- Smile, have fun, and let the world know. Post your happiness, however minor on social media, and don’t let on that you feel bad. That’s a conversation to have IRL with your nearest and dearest.
- Get in better shape, or have a makeover. Do something to make yourself look exceptional, and feel amazing, but don’t share it with the cheater. Let them find out through everyone else.
You can use text to make a cheater feel guilt. There are so many normal reactions to being hurt. Anger and demanding answers are one of the most common. Hence, in our era of constant phone use, sending questions like “How could you?” makes perfect sense. However, that’s a victim’s statement, and you need to be the sly aggressor.
There are two tactics to take. The first, as I mentioned, is not to respond, or keep it to a monosyllabic minimum. Answer with yes, or no if at all. This is the text version of the cold shoulder.
Alternately, you can respond in the positive. Self-pity is not attractive. You want your cheater to be desperately attracted to your strength and self-possession. “Woe is me,” and “You suck” are self-defeating. Empower yourself instead.
Try responding with something more like, “I’m glad you enjoyed yourself with the other woman/man. You must have since you felt they were worth it. I wish you happiness with them in the future.”
Alternately try, “Thank you for teaching me an important lesson. I’m sure my future relationships will benefit from the experience,” or “Would you like me to put your things and the things you’ve bought me on the front porch or out back? I assume you’re coming to pick them up today.”
Never imply that they are forgiven. Nor should you make demands, because the cheater needs to feel that whatever guilt they assume is entirely their idea.
Looking Great to Make Your Spouse Feel Guilty
Causing your cheater regret and desire is a sure path to having them feel guilt. Have you been putting off a gym membership, or a spa day? Maybe it’s time to get that new haircut or dye those greys.
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Not only will doing some serious self-care make you feel great, but it will make you look better. Plus, when you look better without them, it will make the lousy spouse worry that they failed as a partner.
Start a workout routine. It’s not just about them, but using a lousy spouse as your motivation to get healthy is ideal. Go for a daily jog, and use that anger or sorrow to push through when you get tired. Lift weights, or take a spin class. Realistically the endorphins from exercise will help you feel better anyhow.
Leave Your Spouse Alone With Guilt
Instead of trying to force their hand, you need to give a cheater time to process what they’ve done. Hence, the cold shoulder and minimal messages or communication will provide them with more time alone with their thoughts. Regardless of whether you break up or stay together, you need to leave them alone for a while.
Take the time you’d usually spend with your cheater to do things you enjoy. Tell the world about how much fun you had going out with friends, or how great that massage felt. Use your social media to urn yourself into a picture of confidence and joy. Even when it’s not true, your cheater will think of you as the person you show the world.
Realistically, letting them come around and apologize in their own time will only make it worse for them. Most people are decent enough at heart that they feel like crap when they realize they’ve done wrong.
Get out of the house, have some distracting fun. Let them stew a while. The regret is probably already there, festering under the surface.
Some Cheaters Feel No Guilt
Most cheaters feel guilt whether you help them along or not. However, some simply don’t. Unfortunately, if you’re seeing a sociopath or even a regular person who has terrible dissonance, they may not ever feel the guilt you know they should.
The kicker with some guilt-free cheaters is that they believe in their hearts and minds that they are ‘good’ or they were the one who was ‘wronged.’ Sadly, if this is the case, then you may not be able to convince them otherwise.
If your cheater has a justification they can hold on to in their head, then they feel their actions were ‘right.’ Do you feel guilty when you’re right? Whether it’s true or just perception doesn’t matter. The belief that you are deep-down ‘good’ and ‘correct’ is common and hard to circumvent.
Using cognitive tricks, like justification, will empower a cheater. Laying blame at your feet, or otherwise convincing themself that they’re right and you’re wrong, is a practical way to keep the guilt at bay. Sadly, it doesn’t matter if they’re correct.
Should You Induce Guilt in a Cheater
Making your cheater feel guilty is a temporary satisfaction. You can follow the steps outlined to make them feel bad, or you can have the best revenge of all. Live better without them than you ever did with them.
Be aware that causing pain is precisely what they did to you. Rising above it and being a better person is a healthier response. Realistically, making yourself better instead of making them worse will achieve the same result.
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You are welcome to follow the steps for hurting the one who hurt you. However, I’d recommend that you take the high road instead. Leave that cheater in the dust, and don’t waste another thought on what they regret as they watch you disappear into the distance.
As the victim, I highly suggest that you focus an equal amount of time and energy on making yourself feel good. Preferably about things that have nothing to do with your relationship.
Take some time to spoil yourself. Get a massage, or hit a steam room for a while. Reducing your tension level will only help.
A guilt trip might not be the healthiest way to cope. Still, whatever gets you through a bad situation so you can move on can be part of your healing process.