When your significant other is being quiet, a wave of emotions goes through your mind. Constant questioning as to why, if you did something wrong? If everything is okay? Why aren’t they talking to you? It can be due to a number of reasons not spawning from them being negligent of your relationship. Sometimes they need time to themselves, they’ve having financial struggles, something’s off in their family, work has been harder than they’re letting on, their personality type may have a hard time coping with certain situations; there are plenty of innocent reasons as to why they’re being quiet, though some can feel nefarious by nature.
Why is he so quiet? He’s being quiet because something is wrong and depending on how your relationship is at the current time, it may not even involve you. The best way to solve this problem is to be up front and ask him. Clarity is key.
It’s best to try and understand the root of the cause, and the way in which he is being silent. If he’s being cold and distant after you’ve just had a wonderful date-night; it can feel like you’ve done something wrong or he has but won’t bring it up to you. A change in someone’s demeanor is always a cause for concern, for their mental health and your own.
Being distant and quiet to your significant other go hand in hand, and as Licensed Therapist Jane Reardon puts it, Distance in a relationship relates to one primary issue: the inability or courage to identify and express what’s going on emotionally. Some people have a harder time expressing their inner self than others; men with an avoidant personality especially.
*Find out why Quiet Guys Are the Most Dangerous Here
Reasons Why He Won’t Talk to Me
There are a multitude of reasons as to why he won’t talk to you or why he is quiet; it could stem from his personality (anxious, avoidant, disorganized) or possibly something from his work or family life.
There are four attachment styles, each with their own traits as well as what that means when someone has them. Attachment Styles stem from genetic as well as one’s comeuppance in the world.
Attachment Styles (And what that means):
Anxious / Preoccupied: Often seeks approval, emotional support and responsiveness from their partner. Those with an Anxious attachment style consider their partner the “better half” of their relationship.
Avoidant / Dismissive: Strong and Independent to an egregious amount, they do not rely on others so much so that they completely dismiss the notions and feelings of those around them. Those with Avoidant attachment style hide or suppress their emotions.
Disorganized / Fearful-Avoidant: Usually avoid emotional attachment with others, due to fear of being hurt. Those with a Fearful-Avoidant attachment style allow the relationship to both be a source of stress and relief; a very unhealthy cycle.
Secure: A stark contrast to the rest of the attachment styles, Secure is considered a normal, healthy relationship with another. They rely on someone as others rely on them. They judge relationships and interactions on an ecosystem of emotional closeness, honesty and tolerance.
If someone grew up in a healthy family (Parents happily married, financially stable, no verbal or physical abuse at home) then they would have a significantly higher chance of having a more Secure attachment style.
If someone grew up in a more dysfunctional household (Parents had a messy divorce, verbal and physical abuse, false promises, living with manipulators and narcissists, financially unstable), the chances of them having a more anxious or avoidant attachment style are significantly higher.
*Is Being Quiet Attractive? Find out here
Determining one’s attachment style is less important than knowing how to deal with the symptoms of it. Everyone has one aspect or another of themselves that is negative, and it’s better to focus on the positive than get wrapped up in the less desiring traits. You do not have to be the crutch in which your significant other leans out, one bad relationship can cause one to develop ‘negative’ attachment styles of their own. So it’s always best to be aware and allow yourself to speak freely (and within reason) to you SO.
If you know your attachment style and want further connect and introspect on your thoughts and feelings, the book Master Your Attachment Style is a great read. Beneficial to not just you, but to a friend you may lend it to, you can keep yourself occupied with healthy reading that will benefit you in the long run. Get Yours On Amazon, Today!
Why your partner isn’t talking may not have to do with any of the attachment styles, they are still a good way of interpreting your partner’s actions to further understand them. It’s also a good way for you to find out about yourself as you may have one of those styles, Click here to take your own test.
Regardless as to what attachment style your partner (or you) has, it is still imperative for you to find out why they’re so quiet.
Here is a short Youtube video that illustrates how there are always two sides of the story, from both a male and female perspective. Read on to see how a quiet guy can attract a girl
How do I get Him to Talk to Me?
Speaking openly and freely (and within reason) is the best way to get your partner to talk to you. On leveled ground, in which both of you can bring up your own problems with your current relationship standing.
According to Dr. Leon F. Seltzer, with men specifically, getting your partner to engage in a topic they do not feel comfortable discussing can add further discourse into your relationship. If you’ve already spoken about the given topic at hand and although it was sufficient for him, but not you, restating the topic and bringing up that conversational piece again can add plight to your relationship.
Seltzer says the fault may not be entirely on them. Some people are unaware of their nature and how they could possibly escalate (or deescalate a situation). You could possibly be the one who’s driving them away from the confrontations, the conversations, and that middle ground that you so desperately seek. No one likes having their expressions cut short, so on that first event of talking to them about their problems, use active listening.
Active listening is the process and act of creating mutual ground between the speaker and listener. Looking for non-verbal and verbal queues, as well as allowing yourself to fully understand what the person is trying to tell you. Focus not on your response, but what the person is saying. Do women like quiet men?
Tips for Active Listening
While someone else is speaking:
- Put aside distracting thoughts.
- Make sure your posture is open and welcoming.
- Nod occasionally, and when it feels necessary.
- Allow the speaker to continue until they’ve finished, do not interrupt with counter arguments or comments.
When they’ve finished speaking:
- Reflect on what has been said
- Paraphrase and articulate what they’ve said back to them, with added comments
- Consider all the points they’ve made, and try to respond to each one coherently
- Be open and honest, especially candid in your response back to them
This can take some time, but being an active listener isn’t only applicable for relationship troubles, but also in everyday life with co-workers, family members and anybody else that may want you to listen. To find out more about active listening and how you can apply it to your daily routine, Click Here to get the book 4 Essential Keys to Effective Communication in Love, Life, Work—Anywhere!, available on Amazon. Get Yours Today!
How do I Get Him to Open up to Me?
In order to get him to open up to you, you will have to admit your own faults while also allowing him to admit his. Bridging the gap and being mindful that you too have faults to acknowledge is the best way to get him to open up to you.
As Dr. Seltzer says, crossing that bridge into the vulnerability of what problems you have with your significant other, will most definitely bring to light some of the problems they have with you. You have to be ready and willing to hear them out, just as they will be with you.
Seltzer offers a simple explanation: Ask your partner to join you in a constructive, co-operating discussion of your relationship. Share your disappointments, sadness, anger, or frustration cordially with them, and allow them to do the same. Tell them how much you miss the connection you had and when things felt okay and when you weren’t questioning every decision or indecision you have in relation to the both of you. The goal of this is for both of you to better understand where the relationship collapsed and where it could have gone wrong.
Furthermore, you need to take responsibility for your part (regardless of how big or small) in your partner distancing themselves from you and their sudden quietness. Be modest in your expectations of the conversation, when you approach them matters: Have they had a rough day at the office? Could there be something else that you know they’re going through (Family matters, Bills, etc.)?
Make sure it’s an adequate time to ask them if they have time to talk about something important to the both of you, be blunt, and even say it’s about your relationship. Assure them it’s okay if everything is on your end, but allow them the time and space to gather their own thoughts on the matter. Springing something onto them at an impromptu time can dissuade them from wanting to open up in the first place, and could be one of the reasons they’re distant.
Empathetically put yourself forward to help yourself identify with your partner’s thoughts on the missteps of your relationship. What are some of the things that you have denied from your partner, as well as what have they denied from you? Do you need more attention than you let? Do they need more time alone than they let on? All of these questions can be answered with a full-frontal, explicit conversation with your partner about the
Don’t pick a fight, you’re both in this together, be modest in your approach. Don’t expect things to magically fall back into place once the conversation has been had, there is still plenty more to be done. Love has an ever changing definition that differs depending on who you ask, but everyone knows you must work for it. You have to be adamant that you want this change so that your partner also knows that you’re both willing to work for it. Find out further facts about quiet men here.
To Reiterate:
- Take responsibility for your own shortcomings in the relationship
- Allow an open, cordial and candid conversation about what problems both of you have in your relationship.
- Don’t spring the conversation out of nowhere, slowly build up to it and allow both of you to process the situation.
- Put yourself in their shoes, as much as you can, in order to further understand where they’re coming from.
- Be ready to put in work if the conversation goes well, allow the conversation to ruminate as both of you take the appropriate steps to help your relationship thrive again.
Use Active Listening, don’t pick fights. You’re both in this together!
